The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Silent night ... or silent blog. The last few months have been incredibly busy, in a good way, and there has not been much opportunity to blog about our life in Cyprus. Worry not ... 2020 seems much quieter and so I shall resume my blog in January. Thank you for your messages and I trust you all have a marvellous Christmas and a super New Year.

At the moment we have the logs burning brightly in our log burner, which must count as the best investment we have made since arriving in Cyprus. The glorious weather of the last fortnight has at last given way to winter, with rain, thunder and lightning ... and plummeting temperatures.

Smoked salmon, and scrambled eggs and champagne are but distant memories from breakfast, and our leg of lamb (sourced from our super new butcher in Argaka) is ready to go into the oven - but not quite yet. In fact it must be time to open the bar.

Carpe diem ...

As summer reluctantly gives way to a bright and sunny autumn, which is always my favourite time of the year in Cyprus, I find myself in a reflective mood. 2019 has flown by and there have been many things (too many, if I am honest) to deal with. We are, by nature, both on the procrastination wing of life, and - by and large - this is how it should be.

Cyprus lends itself to this approach as nobody races around at breakneck speed (unless they are at the wheel of a twin-cab) and there is always tomorrow. But sometimes life intrudes.

Our journeys to Paphos have become more frequent, as some things are just not available out in the country. Ann travels regularly to see her consultant at Paphos General, and that is not stressful but time-consuming, and tiring. Next week sees us off to Immigration to hopefully settle our MEU3 application. No thanks here to the wretched UK government for trying to ruin the lives of British citizens living in the EU.

We have made a number of changes in 2019, and perhaps the most noticeable has been to engage Mick, a lovely pool man from Kathikas, who visits us twice a week (winter and summer) to make sure our pool is sparkling clean and healthy. I really noticed this in the very hot months when all we want to do is enjoy the pool and not clean it. Ann pestered me until I caved in and it was a very worthwhile decision. If you are following us to Cyprus, and decide a private pool is the last piece in the “living the dream” jigsaw, then budget for someone qualified to do this important job.

Although not a 2019 decision, our employment of Lisa as someone to clean the house and do the ironing was a significant milestone. Every now and again we have to remind ourselves we have retired to the sun, and so do not need to fill our time with domestic tasks. But Lisa has proved to be a godsend and we just leave her to it and go to the pub for a drink, safe in the knowledge that Daisy is keeping an eye on her.

Sitting here and gazing over the bay reminds me that we are very lucky to live the life we do. If you cannot decide that this life is for you, then consider that we all only live once. Carpe diem.

Esau is an hairy man ...

I look at the current fashion for designer stubble, straggly beards and the like, and I despair. In every walk of life slovenliness is rampant. I will be the first to admit that I hate shaving, and I have always hated shaving - and there are days when I don’t shave. And then I look in the mirror, or Ann makes a gentle comment, and I see the grey stubble and hate it.

Growing a dark, luxuriant beard is almost a rite of passage in Cyprus, as it is in many Mediterranean countries, and the beard must come as early as is possible. That is as cultural as the incredible moustaches many older Cypriots exhibit. However, watching U.K. television and the true scale of the decline of standards in British life is very apparent.

It may be a sign of ageing but I do not like it. Some men undoubtedly suit this style but, when I see the unkempt nature of others, I mentally grimace. Joe Root, the England cricket captain, is a case in point. If he doesn’t shave for the next ten years he will never manage to grow a decent beard. But he persists with his straggly offering and looks ridiculous in the process.

Even more ridiculous, and this has nothing to do with facial hair, is the position of the British Government and their lack of political nous. I have never despaired as deeply in my adult life when I see Boris Johnson floundering like a beached whale, as he seems unable (or unwilling) to deal with events in an honourable fashion. Cypriot friends hoot with laughter as they discuss the mortal plight of their former colonial masters.

Imagine being trapped in No 10 Downing Street with no power to influence the course of events, having “spaffed” your majority at the behest of that poisoned dwarf (your political adviser) and then being at the mercy of that cretin Corbyn and his communist apparatchik. There is a hell on earth, so it seems.

Ye Gods ...

Whereas life in Cyprus remains calm and stable, we both look with horror and incredulity at the political situation in the UK. So I’ll remain calm and not mention it until I have reregistered which will enable me to vote in the upcoming General Election. I first voted in 1970 and have voted Conservative ever since but I shall not be voting for the Conservatives on this and subsequent occasions. My vote will go to the Liberal Democrats as they have decided to revoke Article 50.

We were relieved that September brought milder temperatures and then somebody turned the thermostat and the humidity controls up, so we have “hunkered” down and kept cool. Daisy and the cats stay close to home and find the coolest places to snooze. Once the air conditioning is switched on, then they appear to luxuriate in the cool air.

Great fun with Cyta (our telecoms provider) when we decided to increase our internet speed. We decided to increase our speed from 10 Mb to 20 Mb (a steal at an extra €5,00 a month). Ann has discovered YouTube and often streams video when the tv is on. Hence some buffering ... not a problem except when the cricket is on. With the rugby World Cup a couple of weeks away, self-interest dictated an upgrade. All very straightforward except fo the fact that our speed stayed resolutely at 10 Mb. Contacting Cyta then told me I needed a new router to deliver the speed increase. Off to Cyta this morning to exchange the router and I had to explain what the problem was. The helpful lady told me that the speed increase always required a new router. Why hadn’t they told me when I applied? The “Cypriot Shrug” and a beaming smile was the answer. Back home, and after five minutes, we were cooking on gas.

In the Cyta shop we had a lovely example of the laidback lifestyle we love here. An English lady was at the next counter to me and was being dealt with by a very young woman. After a couple of minutes her mobile rang. She answered the phone and began a long conversation in Greek. The irate English woman demanded to know whether the girl was serving her. Wide-eyed the girl looked up and said, “No I am talking to my mother.” At this point I left. You’ve got to love Cyprus.

“The grapes of ...”

My friend Savvas once told us that growing things in Cyprus required two things - sunshine and water. Obvious really but this year has given me a new understanding.

Outside of our gate was an old vine, which grew along the ground in a desultory fashion. The land on which our house was built used to be a vineyard and so it was to be expected that there might be a few strands from the past. A couple of years ago - more as a whim than anything else - we tied the vine to the car port. And it grew and grew. How exciting.

Vass, another Cypriot friend, showed me how to prune the vine in January and told me that the new growth was where the grapes would grow. All rather exciting but our vine, like lots of others on the island, fell victim to a condition which caused lots of leaves to fall at the wrong time of year. Slightly disheartening, I thought, but again I pruned the vine in February and watched and waited. Eventually lots and lots of new shoots appeared. We watered the vine more regularly than last year and the first sign of tiny grapes appeared.

Ann and I were delighted by this. What fun. Other vines in the area are more advanced but ours may be a later variety. Just one bunch of grapes would be a triumph. Who says you cannot find new hobbies as you get older?

“The Times They Are A-Changin”

The hotter the weather, the more difficult it is to write and so I am making the supreme sacrifice.

Domestically our lives are much as before ... although Ann’s improving health is a delight. But trying to stop her from overdoing things is proving a struggle. She admits that her furniture-moving days are behind her but I still find her doing things of which I disapprove, and which she knows that she should not be doing.

With summer having fully arrived, the swimming pool is proving to be worth its weight in gold and the sheer joy of being in relatively cool water never ceases to amaze me. Our pool man comes twice a week and the water is perfect. I looked after our pool until this year, but feeling the need to vacuum it and test the water in 30°C + is greatly overrated. For those following in our footsteps, and who are trying to make up their minds about a pool, it is a difficult decision to make. It is expensive but joyful. If you can afford it, then budget for a pool man. After all, you’re not planning to come to Cyprus to work.

The new health system here, GESY, takes some getting used to. We registered with a “Personal Doctor” and then the gates of the new system are flung wide. Teething problems abound, as one would expect, but we are coping. The UK government are supposed to be funding our healthcare but a disorderly Brexit may mean all bets are off. Only time will tell.

We bought a new bbq on Monday and Ann persevered with its construction. It came with no instructions - just an exploded diagram. It was all Greek to me ... possibly because all the parts are labelled in Greek. This will be in use in the next couple of days, and my mouth is watering at the prospect. We picked up a couple of bbq recipe books in a charity shop a few weeks ago and one was full of delicious ideas.

As readers of this blog might guess, the election (if you can call it that) of Boris Johnson as PM is both ludicrous and horrifying at the same time. The men and women of stature in political terms seem to have vanished as the years have rolled by. We are left with mendacious pygmies at the helm. I trust they find the time to consider what is best for the UK in between filling in their expense forms.

For a fuller understanding of my feelings, just check the lyrics of Bob Dylan’s famous song.

It’s been some time ...

Life does get in the way of art sometimes and that is why my blog has been silent for a while. But, with the arrival of summer (and the lack of an imperative to get things done) there is more time to do things like write.

Ann is having to deal with all sorts of people, who may not see her regularly, telling her how well she looks. After the medical adventures of 2018, and her subsequent and gradual recovery, she does look a million dollars. Visits to the doctor are still part of her life and she is remarkably patient about being a patient. Long gone are the memories of being on oxygen eighteen hours a day and having to use the tyrannical nebuliser.

Medical matters concern us with the introduction of Gesy, which is the new National Health System that the troika insisted Cyprus instituted, and which is having teething troubles - especially for foreign nationals. There is so much fake news circulating that it is confusing in the extreme. From what I have seen so far it appears that it has been developed to benefit the medical profession, and I cannot yet see what benefit it will be to the patient.

We look back at the winter with a sense of disbelief. It is almost impossible to believe how long it lasted and how much rain fell. It proved two things though. Firstly how effective the building work was to cure the damp and mould problems in our house, and secondly that buying such a large and powerful wood burning stove was an absolute godsend. People said that a 10 Kw stove would be sufficient yet we opted for the 14 Kw version. It was the best decision we have made in years. I’m almost looking forward to next winter ... almost.

We had a false start in our attempt to engage people to come and clean our pool. One couple, recommended by friends, was engaged but they turned out to be not to our taste. As Ann said, it felt like they were employing us. However someone contacted us via Facebook and he has turned out to be knowledgeable and just right for us. The pool has never looked cleaner or healthier. He arrives in the early morning, and leaves sometimes without us knowing he has been there. The pool sparkles and it is a relief not to have to face that twice-weekly task as the hotter weather arrives.

Every now and again someone contacts me to say how much they enjoy this blog. It’s lovely to hear from people and I hope it continues to be an entertaining read. No doubt in the coming months, as the absolute farce that is Brexit continues to evolve, I shall be forced to comment on a shameful period of British history. God help the nation if either Johnson or Corbyn or Farage ever enters No 10 Downing Street. If that happens the farce will become a full-blown Greek tragedy.

Oh M(a)y

Taking the whole Brexit débâcle as a tale of our times, I suspect that if one was to write it as a work of fiction, no publisher would touch it. Apart from making the British Government a laughing stock, and I have long believed there are very few honourable men and women of principle who believe in the concept of public service, it reflects badly on the people of our country. 

As a result of this situation, Britain is in a similar position to the one it found itself in after the Suez disaster (thank your closest ally, the treacherous USA) in that the country’s reputation went into a serious decline from which it could arguably be said never to have recovered. How will Britain be viewed in Europe, and around the world, after such ineptitude?

Bloody David Cameron should be locked up in The Tower of London, with the room next door reserved for the idiot May. An extension would be required for all the hardliners of both sides to occupy cells on bread and water. Then they should be left to contemplate their navels. And if a place in hell was needed, the DUP should get preference.

There is a sense of disbelief every time the Prime Minister opens her mouth. How can an incompetent Home Secretary have arrived at Downing Street, and then proceeded to dig a hole so deep? For goodness sake someone put her out of her misery. Vote her out of office (a concerted vote of no confidence). And then either revoke Article 50, or announce a second referendum or call a General Election ... or even all three.

Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?

What price salvation now?

When George Bernard Shaw penned these immortal words at the turn of the 20th Century (in Major Barbara) it is doubtful whether the disaster of Brexit was on his mind. But, for those of us likely to be affected by the insanity the UK government is currently pursuing, there are similarities. More and more commentators blindly hold out the hope that some piece of magical thinking may offer the glimmer of light that politicians pray for.

The EU does not come out of the whole Brexit negotiation process with much credit but I often ask myself what they must make of the British approach. My Cypriot friends are aghast that the British have embarked on a voyage of self-harm with so little thought and preparation. “Why are you doing it?” I am asked over and over again. To them the status quo is far much more beneficial to UK plc than any form of Brexit.

British expats seem to be in either various forms of panic or total “I’m all right Jack” mode. Neither is very edifying or pleasant to observe. The British High Commissioner spouts the government line, whilst offering no practical advice. And so, we wait and see. The apathetic think back to times past when Cyprus was not part of the EU and everything was rosy in the garden. In fact you wonder whether someone will spout about “lashings of ginger beer” as they sit down with the unicorns for tea.

We are making sensible plans (changing UK driving licences to Cypriot ones, for example) but resisting the lemming-style charge to the cliff tops. Only time will tell who was right ...

Bronpi has landed ...

The great day arrived with thunder, lightning, heavy rain and plummeting temperatures ... as did Stephanos and his workmate with our Bronpi Florida log burning stove. It was not an easy job, and it was not a quick job as it had to fit inside an existing fireplace (which was slightly too small).

Angle grinders to the left of us, Kango drill to the right of us, and thunder and lightning on all sides, these guys set to work. We retired to the bedroom, turned the heating on and even slipped under the duvet at times. Ann reinvigorated us with bacon sandwiches, and we managed chunky leak and potato soup at lunchtime when the guys took a break.

As the day wore on, there was more grinding and drilling but the stove stayed resolutely in the centre of the room. The word was that they had to remove a couple of millimetres here and a millimetre there to get an exact fit. At last, after hours and hours, the word on the street was that the stove was ready to be installed. Ann, Daisy and I crept out to watch. Nearer and nearer to the fireplace the stove moved but ... but ... another millimetre was needed. All this time Stephanos’ mate was vacuuming to ensure no mess at all. Then, with bated breath, the stove was lifted to the waiting fireplace and in it slid. Further adjustments were necessary until the flue could be lined up.

It was in, and then the frame was screwed around the outside. And then, at last, the glass door was put in place. “Finished,” I thought ... but an electrical connection needed to be made (for the convector fan). Fitting the trunking to finish the job seemed to take an age. The guys turned round and proclaimed they had finished.

Ann and I had collected pine cones and newspapers to help the kindling “take” but it was not necessary. The fire was laid upside down with wood at the bottom, a few pieces of kindling above and a couple of fire lighters at the top. The vent was opened, a match was applied and we were away. Within a couple of minutes the kindling was burning, and we just left it to ignite the small pieces of wood at the bottom. After fifteen minutes we put some more wood on the top, closed the door and that was that. Apparently stoves work much more efficiently when the chimney/flue is warm and our chimney had not been used for years. As time went on, the automatic fan started (which is controlled by a thermostat set at 60°C) and hot air started to blow as well.

The next day we set the fire alight at about 10.30 in the morning and even went out for a couple of hours in the afternoon. The house was “toasty” warm on our return and we could enjoy our (and the intsallers’) endeavours. Don’t believe people when they tell you Cyprus has mild winters. It can be absolutely freezing inside the majority of properties, as there is little or no insulation. Buy or rent a property with heating or be prepared to install a log burner. You won’t regret it. Our log burner is a 14Kw model, with a built-in convector fan. So in addition to the heat from the stove, cooler air enters at the bottom of the stove, it circulates around the outside of the fire box, and is then blown out as hot air from the top.

Winter is a time when you yearn for the cloudless skies and sunshine we get for months and months on end. But it is also a time when Cyprus needs rain - lots and lots of it. December last year and January this year have been very wet. Our local dam is 100% full but many others are not so rain, rain and more rain is needed. We’ll just curl up at home.

A change of fortune ...

Having survived Christmas, and a lovely time was had by all, we rather ignored New Year (as we always do) and here we are in 2019. Readers of this blog will remember that last year was not great for us, and especially not for Ann. But here we are facing up to the challenges and opportunities that will present themselves to us.

Ann had some health issues last year, and I am delighted to see she is looking better by the day. She has given up smoking (her own decision) and has put on weight as well, which is great. We see the specialist in about ten days and that will enable us to get an accurate diagnosis, and to see what treatment (if she needs any) will follow. We have decided that 2019 will be the year when there are no accidental falls and late night visits to the hospital. At one stage it seemed that they were preparing to allocate me an official parking space.

One of the byproducts of all of this is that we must keep the house warm and dry. To this end, and especially as last year’s work appears to have resolved the damp and mould issues, we are having a large convection log burner fitted into the fireplace. It’s output is 14 Kw and that is possibly slightly more than we need, but it is better to be safe rather than sorry. The fitter came up yesterday to measure the fireplace and it will require some work to make the stove fit in the fireplace, but it should be fine. All other things being equal, it should be fitted at the end of next week and we shall face the winter with confidence.

To a large extent we have ignored the Brexit shenanigans that have been taking place in the UK recently. Never have so many supposedly intelligent people conspired to make a real pigs’ breakfast over something that should never have happened.